In the aftermath of my heart attack I am learning a lot of new skills. The toughest so far has been being vulnerable and dependent. Since being hospitalized I have depended on doctors, nurses, friends and my family for almost everything. I am not allowed to carry anything heavier than 3kg and it is hard to get up on my own. I am not allowed to drive myself and in the beginning Lollie had to bathe me. In addition there are emotional vulnerabilities. I am realizing that we are always vulnerable and dependent and that we live in the lie of independence.
I find that I say “sorry” a lot. Whenever someone helps me, and has to exert some energy doing so, I say “sorry”. This morning it struck me that saying “thank you” might be more appropriate; that the sorry reveals my weakness in being weak and vulnerable. I am learning new skills. A Jesus story that helps me, and that one of my friends have been reflecting on, is of the man whose friends lowered him through the roof. I am the man being lowered right now. Usually I would identify with the friends lowering their buddy. But I am learning to thank the friends who are lowering me. It is a gift to allow them to lower me, a gift that I want to respond to with a “thank you” and not “sorry”.